114: Why You Procrastinate The Things You Know Are Good For You

It's because of your inner critic.

But it's not enough to know this one small fact. In fact, maybe reading this leaves you feeling more lost than before.

This is because our mind needs to understand the WHY behind new information to make sense of it and organise it in our brain in a way that is helpful.

It's like you're on a long hike and someone adds a new, sparkly tool to your backpack. You get the sense it's important, but you don't know what it's for or how to use it, so it just becomes a burden.

This is what it's like when we hoard information without learning how to apply it.

In this episode, you'll learn:

- Why you procrastinate the things you know are good for you and end up picking/pulling/biting at your body instead

- The profound part your inner critic plays in this frustrating pattern

- Practical tools and questions to apply this knowledge to help you reduce procrastination, feel more regulated, and create more meaningful moments in your life

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My name is Raffaela Marie. I'm a holistic BFRB coach who has healed from 15 years of chronic skin picking myself and dedicated my life to helping driven women do the same. Through my podcast, free resources, and programs, I teach strategies to overcome urges, build emotional safety, and expand into authenticity. My approach goes beyond quick fixes, focusing on root causes and long-term recovery.

Transcript

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Why is it that we seem to procrastinate doing the things that we know are good for us and end up making ourselves feel worse? This topic actually was inspired by my free WhatsApp support group, which you're more than welcome to join. You can send me a message. Link is in the show notes. But there's been a conversation the past week about someone brought up that they know they should meditate. They know they want to meditate, but they can't seem to get themselves to do it. It's like they're procrastinating doing the thing that they know will help them, that will know that they know will help them to regulate themselves and calm down and enjoy their day or their evening or whatever it is that they're doing. This person shared this in the group. And then a bunch of other people in the group said, oh my God, I do this too. And from there, a really beautiful conversation unfolded. And I love when this happens because I know whatever challenges or questions come up in my free WhatsApp support group, odds are there are so many people in this community who have had the same thought or same experience. And so I know when I record a podcast episode addressing these kinds of topics, they're probably going to resonate and be really valuable and helpful. So I'm so excited to record this today for you. I want to start with just understanding the way our brain works. Because to understand why we avoid, why we procrastinate, doing things that we know are good for us, we want to first understand how our brain actually functions so that we can understand where these parts of us are coming from. Then suddenly it becomes so obvious of, oh, that's why I'm procrastinating. That's why I feel so much resistance. And from there, we can actually start to take steps, steps forward in a way that makes sense. Because I could start this podcast episode off and just give you a couple of practices, exercise that I'm going to give to you at the end of the episode. And it might sound good, you might try it, it might work once or twice, but the point, the context is missing. Our brain needs to understand why something is good for us, why it is so helpful. We need to understand the context behind a practice. You are listening to episode 114 of Beyond Skin Picking and Hair Pulling. This is where we explore and unpack the root cause of why we pick, pull, and bite at our body so that you can create long-term sustainable change. This is how I healed from 15 years of chronic skin picking. My name is Raphaela Marie. I am your host, and I've also been a coach for the past three years, helping people like you to heal like I did through addressing the root cause. And I would love to invite you, my dear listener, to share your story with me. I want to hear your story so that I can connect with you and then also share with you my guidance and insights on what you can do right now to start addressing the root cause of why you engage in this behavior and how you can start to move forward in a really tangible, practical, and down-to-earth way. If you want to share your story with me, go ahead and click on the link in the show notes. You'll see it right there. It's a BFPA support call. I really look forward to meeting you. Now, the best place to start with understanding how your brain works is with IFS or Internal Family Systems. The IFS methodology was created by Richard Schwartz, who is a systemic family therapist. And through his work, you started to understand more and more about how the human mind organizes itself, how we interact with our own thoughts. And what was understood, what came to be understood, and this isn't, and this isn't a belief system. This is fact. This is what we now, this is how we now understand that the human brain organizes itself. It's not about whether you believe in it or not. It is simply fact. What came to be understood about the human mind is that our mind is not a single unified consciousness. It is not a single unified self. What we have, what you have, is something called a fragmented psychology. This is a normal, it's human. And we can see that we have a fragmented, fragmented psychology because we can argue with ourselves. We can agree with our thoughts, we can disagree with them. It's like we're having a conversation with someone else in our own head, right? I think we've all been there. And another way that we can recognize that we have different parts of us inside of us, I'm sure you've experienced, and for sure with skin picking, there's a part of you that really wants to stop skin picking, hair pulling, or nail biting. But there is another part of you, a very strong part of you, that doesn't want to. And it's like this internal tug of war, this internal battle of I want to go this way, but I want to go this way. And the strongest one typically wins. And we experience that kind of thing in every area of our life. Should I say something? Should I not? There's a part of me that really wants to say something to this person. And there's a part of me that's a bit scared of that and thinks I should just I should just stay quiet. There's a part of me that really wants to eat a whole tub of ice cream. And there's another part of me that knows that's probably not good for my health and I'll feel worse about it. And maybe I should just have one scoop. And it's like we're having these little negotiations, these little arguments inside ourselves. And sometimes they create a lot of emotional inner turmoil. And sometimes they're just little moments that we don't really register. And the way that Richard Schwartz, this is a quote from his book, No Bad Parts, which I highly recommend you read because it will really help you to understand what is going on inside your head, and also really help with healing from chronic skin peaking, hair bullying, or nail biting. But this is what Richard Schwartz said, says parts are little inner beings who are trying their best to keep you safe. And a catchphrase or a famous quote from Richard Schwartz in the IFS methodology is there are no bad parts. And this is in relation to the parts of you that you think, if I could just get rid of that, my life would be so much better. If I could just get rid of the part of me that picks my skin, the part of me that procrastinates, the part of me that's afraid of speaking up, the part of me that is lazy, everything will be better. The thing we want to understand about our mind, our fragmented psychology, is that there are no bad parts. Every single part, doesn't matter how much you dislike that part, it is there because it is trying to protect you. And something that can help us to have a little more compassion or understanding or a little bit of softening or even become a bit curious is recognizing that the parts that we struggle with were formed when we were when we were children, when we were young, or potentially as teenagers. Most of the programming that we run on is set between the age of zero and seven or eight. And so a lot of these parts that we struggle with, they're children. And each of these parts has their own feelings, has their own view of the world, has their own beliefs, has their own purpose that they that has their own thing that they think is the most important thing that they need to do. But because they were created when we were young, we had an underdeveloped brain. We had quite a simplistic way of viewing the world. That means that the way that these parts interact with the world are quite childish. It can be quite black and white. And the solutions that they find to problems are sometimes not the best solutions, but it's the best solution they could find at the time. And these quote-unquote solutions often turn into problems later in life, especially when we are no longer living in the environment that quote-unquote solution was created in. Skimpiging, hair pulling, nail biting is one of those things. An example, um, an example that comes to mind just now is that some children lie a lot. And we ask ourselves, well, what's wrong with that child? That's such a naughty child that it lies so much. But the problem isn't the child, it's the environment that it grew up in, where clearly being honest and vulnerable was not safe. And so they learned, well, what keeps me safe is to lie. Because showing my true self, showing what I really think, how I really feel is risky. Maybe I will feel rejected, or I will feel abandoned, or I will get in trouble. And that's really scary for a kid. They don't have logic, they don't have they don't have perspective. And so there's a part of them that will be formed that believes that lying is the best way, that lying is good. Lying is better than being honest. Lying is better than vulnerability because honesty and vulnerability just get me hurt. So you better lie and not let and not let people truly see you. And then we carry, we carry this subconsciously into our adult life. And this creates a lot of problems. Obviously, we'll create mistrust, we'll struggle with it in ourselves. Maybe we'll start to judge ourselves for lying and not understand why I can not just stop? Why can't I just be honest? But we forget where it came from. And we lose compassion, we lose understanding, and we just become judgmental and critical of ourselves and think, well, there is something fundamentally wrong with me. There isn't. It's the same with skin picking or hair pulling or nail biting. There isn't something fundamentally wrong with you. It's just at some stage in your life, you learnt that this behavior was important and was helpful, and it truly was at some stage. And if you started engaging in these behaviors later in life when you were an adult, then there's probably a part of you that values escape. And as you have more experiences in life, this part is going to find new ways that help you to escape. Skin picking and hair pulling and nail biting are pretty good way of that. So is scrolling. But this is just to this is just to really present an understanding of what is going on inside of you. Why do we struggle with ourselves? Why do we fight ourselves? Why do you why do we judge ourselves? And it's not actually you at your core that is doing that. There is a part of you that is judging you. And there's something really important to understand is that who you are at your core, you are a calm, confident, courageous, creative, curious, compassionate human being. That is who you are at your core. All these other parts of you that you struggle with, they are parts, they are just one part of you. They are separate parts of you. But who you are at your core, who you've always been, is this version of you. And this is what, and this is what Richard Schwartz calls the eight C's of the adult self or the core self. Because through his research, through working with his clients, he began to see that this, these qualities, these eight qualities existed in every single human. And whenever someone was able to access these eight, they call the eight C's, these eight Cs, he would start to see healing and change and acceptance and growth. The incredible news is, is that you have this as well. Every human being does. And it's through accessing this part of us that we are able to heal the wounded parts of us, the parts of us that procrastinate, that pick our skin, that lie, that are addicted to things, that get really defensive. All these different parts of us were able to heal them. And this is important to understand because I say this a lot, I've said this a lot in quite a few different episodes. I say this a lot to my clients in my group coaching program, on my social media, but curiosity is the first step to healing. We cannot judge ourselves into being a better person, being who we want to be. It doesn't work. If it did, we all, this podcast wouldn't need to exist. I've spoken to a lot of people in this community. I've struggled with chronic skin pink myself. We don't need more judgment. You're already, you've already been or you already are really good at that. It doesn't get us to where we want to be. It gets us to a certain, it gets us so far, but it doesn't bring us to a space of peace and groundedness and calm. It doesn't bring us to that inner safety and wholeness that we're looking for. So what we want to understand about all our parts is that they are all trying to keep us safe. Whatever safe meant to us in the environment that we grew up in, in the school environment that we went to, or if you're on a sports team, what safety meant being on that sports team? Did it mean being your authentic real self, or did it mean pushing yourself really hard and pushing yourself past your limits and ignoring your own boundaries? Did being safe in the environment that you grew up in, did that mean sharing how you feel and being honest? Or did that mean keeping it all to yourself and staying a bit more small and quiet? Or did it mean getting really loud and demanding to be seen? Was that the only way that you could be seen and acknowledged and taken seriously? And also at school, in your classroom, how were you able to feel safe there? By overachieving, by being an A plus student, or was it by flying under the radar, doing enough just to get by? We want to ask ourselves in what ways did we try to keep ourselves safe? Maybe there were certain family members, certain family situations where you weren't able to be yourself. And so you learnt to be someone else in order to be safe. This is what we want to understand, because this is this is where all the parts that we struggle with, this is where they are created, where they're born. And one of the parts that becomes created, especially in these situations, where we don't feel safe. And it doesn't always mean physically unsafe, it can just mean emotionally unsafe. You didn't feel safe to be your true, authentic, honest self, to show how you truly felt, to say what you truly thought. And one part that comes into being for every single human is the inner critic. The inner critic is there to keep you safe, just like every other part. But it keeps you safe through criticizing you because it thinks if I criticize you, then you won't take that risk and you won't get hurt again. Now, the inner critic, as maybe you've experienced, can get really overwhelming. It can get really harsh and loud and just too much, and can be really hard to know what do I do? And it it can really make us feel like absolute shit. That's especially true for a lot of people after a picking, pulling, or biting session, is just feeling that heaviness and that disdain and that shame and frustration and sadness. And it's just too much. And so in order to help ourselves cope with the inner critic, when the inner critic gets too harsh and too loud, we have another part that came in. And these parts are mood altering behaviors because they learned that if I can just change how you feel, then we can handle this better. Mood altering behaviors are things like skin picking and hair pulling and nail biting, eating, over-exercising, gaming, literally anything, any behavior that can change or alter your mood can become an addictive or compulsive behavior. Because there's a part of you that will learn at some stage that, oh, this behavior helps me to block out the inner critic. It helps me to get a break. So this is where we start to see what may be happening when you know what you should do to help yourself, but you can't seem to get yourself to do it, and you end up engaging in a mood-altering behavior instead. What these parts are trying to do when they engage, when they get us to engage in a mood-altering behavior, is that what they're basically saying is, I know how to handle this. I know how to help you rest. But rest to this part means getting a break from the inner critic. Rest to this part doesn't mean, oh, genuine rest and truly relaxing into the body. And so when we come full circle to those moments where you know you want to meditate, you know that's what would be good for you, you know you want to sit down and read a book, you know that that's what you need, but you end up picking or pulling or biting us instead, or just quote unquote wasting time doing things that drain you. And it's because there's a part of us that is trying to protect us from the criticism from our inner critic, trying to help us to get a break from our inner critic. Because what happens when we slow down and things are just silent, we can often feel uncomfortable, a sense of urgency, feel like we're falling behind, like we're not doing enough. Some people get a guilty feeling. Maybe you get, maybe you feel guilty that you haven't done enough. You haven't, you don't deserve to relax. So just ask yourself now, what are the thoughts or the feelings that come up for you when you do truly try to slow down and rest? Just get curious for what is maybe coming up for you now. Because that is why you procrastinate doing the thing that you know will actually be good for you. Because there is another part of you that's trying to protect you from the inner critic and trying to give you a break from that constant pressure. And this may not be something that's really loud for you. It might be just a subtle noticing of, oh yeah, there is some discomfort there, there is some judgment there, there is something there. And I want to ask you a question now too. What are you afraid of feeling if you were to truly slow down and just let yourself rest? What I want you to know is, is that while these feelings are real, they came from a real time in your life, they are not the truth and they are not all of you. Who you are at your core is this confident, calm, compassionate, caring, creative human being. You are not these feelings and thoughts. They are just parts of you. And they are parts of you that need your leadership, need your strong leadership and guidance because you are an adult now. These parts that you struggle with, they were created in a time where you couldn't truly lead yourself because you were a child or a teenager. But you as an adult now, you can lead yourself. And it's from this space of curiosity and compassion and the eight Cs that you can lead yourself. You become can become a strong, grounded, loving, and compassionate leader for all the different parts of you. And that is how we heal. That is also how we start to quiet the inner critic, how we start to work with the parts of us that procrastinate and pick our skin, scroll on our phones. And just from listening to this podcast, you've already taken the first step in dealing with that procrastination that comes up, that gets in the way of you doing the things that you know you want to do and are good for you. The second step we want to take is we want to create what we call separation. And that's recognizing that this is just a part of me. It's not all of who I am who I am. Because when we take on the identity of this part, then we get stuck in it. This is when we feel stuck in emotion, we feel like we're drowning in it, drowning in it, we feel overwhelmed by it because we become that childish part of ourselves. And children can't process their own emotions. They do get stuck in them, they do get overwhelmed by them because they don't have the brain capacity, their brain isn't developed enough to actually process emotion in a healthy way. The good news is that you can now. When we create that separation and recognize this is just a part of me, I can handle this now. And use those words. This is just a part of me. I can handle this now. And another way that we can create separation and help ourselves to move through procrastination is name the thing that's coming up for you. There is a part of me that wants to procrastinate right now. There's a part of me that feels like I haven't done enough, like I don't deserve to rest. Label whatever it is that you're feeling, whatever it is that you're doing, if you're not able to notice what you're feeling, label the behavior that you're noticing, the procrastination, the skin picking, the scrolling, the hair pulling. Label it. Say a part of me. And also tell yourself, I can handle this now. This is a way to create that empowering separation so we don't become the childish part of us. I think we've all seen people, when they get really triggered, how they seem to revert back to being a child. It's because they literally are. They are becoming the child part of them that is wounded, where they start stomping their feet, throwing things, putting their hands on their hips and basically saying, You're wrong, I'm right. I mean, I think we've all also been there on some level when you get triggered in your relationships, when you get triggered in a romantic relationship that brings out the most childish parts of us. And so we want to and we must and we need to create that separation and recognize this is just a part of me. This is not all of who I am. Who I am at my core is a leader, a calm, grounded, compassionate leader, a curious leader. Not, you're not militant. You're not using force and rigidity and willpower to get what you want. You're using curiosity to build understanding so that you can allow space for compassion, which is healing. That's how we heal. I used to struggle a lot with social anxiety through this process. I no longer struggle with social anxiety, but it doesn't mean the anxiety is completely gone. It occasionally comes up in certain situations, but I now have that separation, recognize that it's not all of me, it's not who I am. I'm not an anxious person. I am not a person who has social anxiety. I am a person who has a part that is sometimes afraid of socializing, afraid of rejection or being judged. And so when that part bubbles up occasionally, I know I can handle it because I'm an adult now and I can genuinely handle it. Now, this is a process, and it absolutely helps to do this with. someone if you've never done this kind of work before it really does help to do this with someone. Learning how to process and sit with emotions is a skill. And I wonder if you're already noticing a bit of a shift towards this part of you that procrastinates, a bit more of a a bit more space being opened up there. A bit more curiosity coming in for what's there. And really when you have time, genuinely ask yourself, what am I, when you find yourself in those moments where you're procrastinating, ask yourself, what am I afraid might happen if I stop procrastinating? And I just did the thing. Maybe what comes up for you is it will just be too much. I'll feel bad. Another thing that you can do and this is a great tool to attach to what we've just talked about. And actually someone in the free WhatsApp support group that I run mentioned this during the conversation about procrastinating, doing the things that they want to do. This lady said this is what helped her and it actually makes a lot of sense and I thought, you know what, it fits for this episode. So I want to share it too. But envision how it's going to feel once you've done the thing. So if you want to meditate, envision how it's going to feel once you've meditated, how good that's going to feel or if you want to stretch or exercise or sit and read your book, envision how you're going to feel once you've done it or while while you're doing it. And this makes so much sense because we're working right there, we're working with the reward system in our brain. Essentially everything we do is ultimately driven by emotion. And so we are either moving away from something we don't want to feel or experience or we are moving towards something we do want to experience. And so if we are able to envision how we're going to feel that is going to help us to feel magnetized and drawn towards it. Because we're essentially it's kind of like dangling a carrot in front of a donkey. That's kind of like what you're doing. You're envision you're envisioning your own carrot. And then also through acknowledging that this is just a part of you, that you can handle it now, using that language, also asking yourself, what am I actually afraid of might happen? And also saying, okay, even if that does happen, I can handle that now. Whatever happens, I can handle that now. And then envision your carrot. And this is how we can help ourselves to not just move through random moments of procrastination, but to really understand it on a deeper level so that we can begin to reduce that behavior in a really tangible, tangible, practical long-term way. You this is about you shifting your relationship with yourself. You this is you building and strengthening your relationship with yourself. And as you start to build a stronger relationship with yourself, things just get a bit easier. There's less conflict. I mean in a healthy relationship with another human being, the healthier and more connected an understanding that relationship is, the less conflict those people will experience. Or when conflict comes up, it doesn't explode. It's the exact same thing with ourselves. The more connected and understanding and compassionate we become with ourselves, the better we are, the less explosions we're going to experience, but also the better we're going to navigate those difficult moments. In the end, it's not about removing all negativity, all difficulty, all struggle. It's just about getting really, really good, really skilled at working through it in a way that allows us to remain grounded and connected. And that is what allows us to feel safe and fulfilled and whole and loved and okay. If this episode really resonated with you, I am so curious to hear what you think. Make sure you leave your thoughts in the comments or leave a written review. On that note, please do leave a fire star review if you found this valuable. And if you would like to feel deeply seen, heard and understood and receive guidance and insight into how you can start to address the root cause of why you pick pull up at your body, make sure you book in your free BFPA support call with me. I'm so, so looking forward to meeting you. Thank you so much for hanging out and spending this time with me and I look forward to seeing you next week in the next episode of Beyond Skin Picking and Hair Pulling